06.20.09
Weighing the Options
Do I want to?
HELL NO!!
Am I going to try?
Yes… but reluctantly…
Will it work?
I’m not sure. I kind of hope it doesn’t but I kind of hope it does.
I’ve spent too much time “sitting” around. It’s partly my fault for not saying something sooner. But now that I have and someone else has too, it’s just too much. She’s gotten the first text FROM him, and far more intresting convos through text. But if I keep truckin’ along, there’s that possible chance things will go the right way. Possible chance. I’ve tried to do this (trying to stop) many times before, all becoming non-successful (obviously). I’m not sure what’s going to happen. It sucks we can’t really decide who we do and don’t like. Gah. I’m just weighing my options.
06.19.09
Blow to the heart.
well.
you said that it won’t come between us.
i’ve known this to be false,
the ENTIRE time.
because here i am,
that sinking feeling in my stomach,
that pressure in the heart.
i’ve said from the get-go
“only bad things can come of this”
and look at me, i’m jealous.
and nothing too special has even happend just yet.
i really wish we didn’t become friends like this.
if it ends how we would like it to end;
one of us, together with him,
i’ll bet you whatever you want,
that it won’t be the same between us.
06.14.09
I’m happy this moment
Hum.
So after going to the Slavic Festival (fun filled 5 hours!! not.) for GCB, Sara and I decided that it’s time to go shopping again. DONT JUDGE ME!! :/ This time we brought Dustin who knows him fairly well. It was this time that we realized that we have been there too many times…. His co-worker saw us and was like “He’s up front he’ll be back in a little bit.” OMG.. lol. Well we talked for about an hour, found out his birthday is on Peru’s Independence Day, and even got a hug from him. The store closed and we left. In the parking lot someone, NOT ME, decides to leave a note on his window. “Megan scratched your car here —-> SORRY! 
To get back at us, meet us at Wal-Mart” (you see he got a new car, that was the “scratch”) or something to that extent. We leave and roam in wally world and he calls Sara. We meet him 5 mins later and we hung out for a good 20ish minutes. Seriously, that was probably the funnest time of my life. No joke. He bought $2.oo worth of ramen noodles and walked around with his tie around his head. This kid is crazy and I sometimes am not sure why I like him. Why must he be so different from all the other guys out there?
06.04.09
No one likes a snobby, stuck-up, rich kid.
Well. Yesterday I found out that you’re not at all like what I thought you were. I felt like I was the person who knew you the best, and yet I’m so wrong. You are such a liar it makes me sick to my stomach. If it were a small white lie, I would probably be okay with it to some extent, but this?! This beyond ridiculous. You truly are a prick and a douche bag. I have no idea how else to put it. And to hide it from me, then to tell me not to find guys that act like that. WTF is your problem? I feel like I don’t know you anymore. Yeah, I’m still “part” of your family, and yeah I’ll still talk to you, but I don’t think it’ll be the same anymore. Get your priorities straightened out kid, or you’re going to be in a world of hell. No one likes a snobby, stuck-up, rich kid. And they way you keep going, you’re going to be that snobby, stuck-up, rich kid.
06.03.09
Just Peachy.
Monday I decided to tell him. I went up to his work and we chatted. That was after about an hour trying to get the courage to go over to him. Yeah, I’m a chicken. He was wearing the “cotton candy combo” as he has referred to it before. He was cutting out Chinese throwing stars out of cardboard. (They weren’t busy, thank goodness.) He just cracks me up with how random he is, it makes me laugh. We small talked for a couple of minutes. Then I started with… “I need to tell you something….. I sort of have… a crush on you.” I THINK his reply was something to the extent of, “You know I already knew, right?” Of course I can’t remember because I was to busy freaking out because I just told the guy I liked him. THANK GOD nothing bad happened. In fact, when I said I should probably go, he told me to not go because he was bored. CAH-UTE!! Anyway, we ended up talking for about 40ish minutes about things and stuff. That night I seriously COULD NOT go to sleep because I was replaying the entire conversation in my head and I seriously could not stop smiling.
Yesterday, I decided to find out how he “knew.” So I texted. (By the way, you’d think it’d be easier to text him now, BUT NO! If anything, it might be harder!! LAME!) Low and behold, Matthew Wheaton didn’t lie when he said he told him. THAT LITTLE TURD. :P Ugh, oh well, I’m happy with how things have turned out, not saying I’m going to get the guy. But, my cousin IS having a wedding in a couple of months, maybe I’ll need a date. Lol. We’ll see how it works out.
I decided to tell him so maybe I could get some closure to stop liking this kid. But after Monday night, I fear that I have not even begun to start turning around. I think I’ve only walked deeper on the path that I wanted to get out of. Yikes.
Why, JA, must I be attracted to you?!! (Ha, he even asked me this question on Monday.)
Lame.
06.01.09
Dear JA.
Dear JA,
I wish I could truly express how I feel about you. You have no earthly idea how much trouble I have gone to talk to you or for you just to notice me this year. It’s rather ridiculous now that i think about it.
In the process, you’ve earned two nicknames: Sparkling Water and JAM. Water because in 7th grade the code name for my crush then was “water”. We tacked on “sparkling because you are sparkling. Ha, not really but kinda in a strange way. You got JAM because Matthew Wheaton decided to tag my car during the last week for seniors with “I heart J.A.” I added on the “M” so my mom wouldn’t know. Smart, right? lol.
Those times we went to Penney’s, not because we wanted to go shopping. Okay, well maybe a few times I went in to actually get something, but mostly it was because of you. LAME I know. Belch.
And the time you dropped out of orchestra, and I tried to bring you back in by telling you to show up to Chamber Orchestra. I was so afraid of getting yelled at by G. Luckily she still doesn’t know. But then you decided to have a “prior engagement” the night of the concert. LAME. It’s okay though, cause I’ve gotten past that.
But honestly, how do you have to be so unique from all the other guys out there? An amazing musician, pretty good golfer, sweet, outgoing, and freakin’ hilarious. Probably not the brightest crayon in the box, but I’ve gotten past that.
It’s been really hard on me the past few weeks. You see, now that you’re no longer in high school anymore, I don’t get to see you that much. Yeah we text, but if you knew how freakin’ nervous I am… I wouldn’t consider it a great conversation. And they’re hardly that great of texts. Except for when you use “sweetheart” although I’m sure you don’t mean it that way.
On top of all this, I’ve gotten a new friend, who is also crazy about you too. To be completely honest, I feel I’m more deserving… Don’t tell her I said that. I’m sure she feels the same way but flipped. Lame is what I’d like to call this situation. “Lame!” as you would say.
I feel as though I’ve lost the race, the race that started right before winter break of 2008. She’s gotten to you faster than I have. I feel I need to wave the white flag. Which is why I’m DYING to tell you that I really do LOVE, LIKE YOU. BLAH.. if only it were this easy to tell you. I was thinkin’ that maybe if I told you, it could change your opinion. But I’m not sure.. I can only hope.
With love,
Megan
