I’m not sure how to feel. I am very angry, very frustrated, very unhappy, yet happy all at the same time.

Yesterday my father got married.. to this lady he’s been seeing since I was two. That’s 15 years. I can’t remember a time where I saw my mother and father together romantically, which is extremely sad. I was so little when they divorced. But I’ve always remembered that my then “step-mom” and father were together, and my mom and dad weren’t. It’s weird, I’m not sure how to explain it. But dont get me wrong, I’ve happy for them for taking the next step.

Anyway, from what I’ve been told, it was my father who left my mom, in fact, it was actually my step-mom who named me, so I’m told. I’m not so close to my father and I was just evaluating the life I’ve had up to today. Here’s what I’ve come up with.

You know how when parents have joint custody, the kid is suppose to spend half the time with one and half with the other? That never really stuck with me. I mean there were the ocassional times where I would go over to my dad’s house, but mostly, I stuck with my mom. Now that I’ve grown up, I think about it and I’m pretty sure that I’m angry at my father. He left my mom for some older chick. And I’ve always wanted to know what it was like to have a mother and father in a family; togehter. But he ruiend that hope and I don’t think I’ll ever get to have that experience. So that’s number 1.

Number 2. I’m angry at my step-mom. It’s not a regular relationship to say the least.
Let me start this part by saying I really do love her. She’s been in my life since as long as I can remember. So it’s not like she’s the evil step-mom. Remember that she and my dad have been together since I was two. She’s had him for a VERY F***ING LONG TIME. My parents were from Hong Kong. They didn’t have that much of an education, my dad had more of one than my mom. So my dad is the one my mom goes to to look over important documents, like insurance, government stuff, things for me and things of that nature, which means the two have to get in contact. This is the thing that probably makes me extremely frustrated. My step-mom thinks that my mom wants to get back with my dad. YOU’VE ALREADY WON, LADY!! You’ve been with him FOREVER and my mom already says she doesn’t like being tied down to a man. And I’m pretty sure he left my mom for you, so why you think he would want to get back with her is SUCH a mystery to me. I don’t understand what the harm is in just trying to figure out what a letter says!

Number 3. I’m frustrated with my mom. She complains often, and I just can’t stand it sometimes. So today, she says, “Your dad won’t help me with this insurance stuff. He says he’s made a promise…” I tuned everything out after that. It just makes me more mad at my dad for just sort of ditching my mom. Thats one of the things that gets me the most. I have the most epmhathy for her though… I love her. And I’m sorry that she has to go through this.

Sometimes I wish I weren’t born so my mom didn’t have to go through this. And there wouldn’t be this social akwardness, I guess. I’m like the link between the two. And without me, they could live without each other.

I just don’t know anymore.
And since that letter they sent me, and after me thinking about all of this, it just makes it more awkward. I hate it.