what would the world be without them? can’t stand ‘em, but would like to have them. haha. funny.
bethany and i were talking today. she had mentioned that mrs. kuiper (family relations teacher) had once stated that eventhough you may not “like” a person, per say, you still get those butterflies in your stomach when you walk pass them in the hallway, or someone next to you is talking about them. sort of a “mini crush”, if you will.
today, while driving to our shopping adventure, we chatted about this little idea. i knew the statement was true to some extent, but i hadn’t really given it a lot of thought.
it wasn’t until now that i realized that i have a lot of “mini crushes”. when i say a lot, i don’t mean like 5. i mean like 15.
does that make me boy crazy?

I’m not sure how to feel. I am very angry, very frustrated, very unhappy, yet happy all at the same time.

Yesterday my father got married.. to this lady he’s been seeing since I was two. That’s 15 years. I can’t remember a time where I saw my mother and father together romantically, which is extremely sad. I was so little when they divorced. But I’ve always remembered that my then “step-mom” and father were together, and my mom and dad weren’t. It’s weird, I’m not sure how to explain it. But dont get me wrong, I’ve happy for them for taking the next step.

Anyway, from what I’ve been told, it was my father who left my mom, in fact, it was actually my step-mom who named me, so I’m told. I’m not so close to my father and I was just evaluating the life I’ve had up to today. Here’s what I’ve come up with.

You know how when parents have joint custody, the kid is suppose to spend half the time with one and half with the other? That never really stuck with me. I mean there were the ocassional times where I would go over to my dad’s house, but mostly, I stuck with my mom. Now that I’ve grown up, I think about it and I’m pretty sure that I’m angry at my father. He left my mom for some older chick. And I’ve always wanted to know what it was like to have a mother and father in a family; togehter. But he ruiend that hope and I don’t think I’ll ever get to have that experience. So that’s number 1.

Number 2. I’m angry at my step-mom. It’s not a regular relationship to say the least.
Let me start this part by saying I really do love her. She’s been in my life since as long as I can remember. So it’s not like she’s the evil step-mom. Remember that she and my dad have been together since I was two. She’s had him for a VERY F***ING LONG TIME. My parents were from Hong Kong. They didn’t have that much of an education, my dad had more of one than my mom. So my dad is the one my mom goes to to look over important documents, like insurance, government stuff, things for me and things of that nature, which means the two have to get in contact. This is the thing that probably makes me extremely frustrated. My step-mom thinks that my mom wants to get back with my dad. YOU’VE ALREADY WON, LADY!! You’ve been with him FOREVER and my mom already says she doesn’t like being tied down to a man. And I’m pretty sure he left my mom for you, so why you think he would want to get back with her is SUCH a mystery to me. I don’t understand what the harm is in just trying to figure out what a letter says!

Number 3. I’m frustrated with my mom. She complains often, and I just can’t stand it sometimes. So today, she says, “Your dad won’t help me with this insurance stuff. He says he’s made a promise…” I tuned everything out after that. It just makes me more mad at my dad for just sort of ditching my mom. Thats one of the things that gets me the most. I have the most epmhathy for her though… I love her. And I’m sorry that she has to go through this.

Sometimes I wish I weren’t born so my mom didn’t have to go through this. And there wouldn’t be this social akwardness, I guess. I’m like the link between the two. And without me, they could live without each other.

I just don’t know anymore.
And since that letter they sent me, and after me thinking about all of this, it just makes it more awkward. I hate it.

Today at practice, Coach mentioned Andy Roddick.
Something about the difference between us and the pros is that they can take a few more rallies than us.. or somethin’ like that. She was like, “Blah blah blah.. the Pros; Andy Roddick… Blah blah blah.” Hahahaha!!

Now that I get an inside look on what he’s doing, not like I ACTUALLY want to, NOT a stalker, it’s a side I don’t usually see. I’ve seen one thing: He’s a mamma’s boy. Awwww.

The summer is coming to an end. It’s gone by so fast and I’m pretty sure I don’t want to go back to school. This summer has been defiantly one to remember.
I’ve gone to the park to draw on the sidewalks with sidewalk chalk countless times and to swing on the swings. And to take pictures. I love the park, especially on days where it’s not a million degrees outside with a low humidty.
At GCB I meant new friends. At GCB I went to my first opera, which was amazing. At GCB I played the hard version of “The Moldau” and shifted way past 3rd position. At GCB I sang in a choir and actually liked it. During GCB, I saw my favorite musical; “The Sound of Music” at the theatre restaurant. At the GCB showcase, someone showed up. He crossed his heart and promised to show up and he did.
This summer was the first time I hit a golf ball. I also had my first golf lesson. The man just got off work, wearing his green shirt, grayish slacks, and wearing his watch, he said, “Let’s fix your grip first. Make a doggie, then a gun. Doggie eats gun.” I talked to my freshman health teacher that night at the range too and she asked about the man who was giving Sara and I the golf lesson. (Miss you Crowell ) We keep going back to the range in hopes to go out for the golf team. Well Sara is anyway. I would love to do both tennis and golf, but do you think it’s possible?
I hung out with the tennis ASF girls before they left for their home countries again. Chuck E Cheese’s is great for that type of stuff. lol. (Miss you girls!)
Most of my Tuesdays have been filled with Gardening Club. Yes, I am a member of the Gardening Club. Weeding is no fun, especially in the hot summer heat. But I will say that it is great fun getting to see seeds you planted grow in to carrots, corn, and tomatoes.
I even had a little reunion with friends I haven’t seen in at least 3 years. The Wongs I surely do miss. It had been three years and they’re still nice as ever.
Tennis camp was NOT as killer as it has been in the past. First day of camp, several of us were wondering why we didn’t have to run a warm up lap!! SURPRISE!
Summer has most defiantly been one of procrastination. I hope it’s not a preview of the school year. I’m currently working on my 2 book for American Literature and Composition. And i have exactly a week to read it, and do 25 dialectal journals. FANTASTIC!! Ugh. 
The other day, I had training for the 2020 Leadership Program. I can tell that it has already had an impact on me and I can’t wait for the next year in the program. Today and last Saturday, I had training for the Link Crew. I am sort of excited for this but not for the fact that I have to be in a Focus class full of freshmen AND that I am no longer in my regular Focus class. I miss the people in there already.
So I have been looking for a job. Bad idea to do it during the summer. But maybe I wasn’t as persistent as I should be. I would do just about anything for a job right now, although I have a pretty hectic schedule ahead of me. I hear junior year is not the finest.
And of course, I can’t leave this out, although I’ve already mentioned it a couple of times. The boy. I SWEAR if I could, I would stop liking him. The other day, I told Trish, this. I even said, “AND HIS EYES!!! UGH!!” Have you seen them? But seriously, I would stop if I could. Lately, people who I haven’t seen in a while have use the word “obsessed“. I guess you could classify it as that, but I would rather it not be. So I hope that I can dial it down a bit. My bestie, Emily, told me yesterday, “If you love, you’ll let go.” I don’t think I love him exactly, just like a whole lot. Maybe that’s why I’ve got this problem in the first place. I’ve gotten past the fact that I won’t be “his” but all I want is just to be able to talk to him without feeling akward; to be FRIENDS. Just this topic alone has caused much drama… for me anyway. Jealousy has been potent in my life due to him and the situation that it sits in.
Other accomplishments this summer: driving to the airport and back, finishing Harry Potter #6 in about 3-4 weeks, not touching my violin for over a month after GCB (not really an accomplishment. ), and tricking Josh into calling the Rejection Hotline. That last one was rather hilarious, I must admit.
Tomorrow, I’ll celebrate my 17th birthday! Not sure what the day will bring. Going to pick up my bridesmaid dress up in NKC. Then I wanna do some more tax-free-shopping before I hopefully go eat dinner with my cousin.

More updates later! I be out yo!