what would the world be without them? can’t stand ‘em, but would like to have them. haha. funny.
bethany and i were talking today. she had mentioned that mrs. kuiper (family relations teacher) had once stated that eventhough you may not “like” a person, per say, you still get those butterflies in your stomach when you walk pass them in the hallway, or someone next to you is talking about them. sort of a “mini crush”, if you will.
today, while driving to our shopping adventure, we chatted about this little idea. i knew the statement was true to some extent, but i hadn’t really given it a lot of thought.
it wasn’t until now that i realized that i have a lot of “mini crushes”. when i say a lot, i don’t mean like 5. i mean like 15.
does that make me boy crazy?

I’m not sure how to feel. I am very angry, very frustrated, very unhappy, yet happy all at the same time.

Yesterday my father got married.. to this lady he’s been seeing since I was two. That’s 15 years. I can’t remember a time where I saw my mother and father together romantically, which is extremely sad. I was so little when they divorced. But I’ve always remembered that my then “step-mom” and father were together, and my mom and dad weren’t. It’s weird, I’m not sure how to explain it. But dont get me wrong, I’ve happy for them for taking the next step.

Anyway, from what I’ve been told, it was my father who left my mom, in fact, it was actually my step-mom who named me, so I’m told. I’m not so close to my father and I was just evaluating the life I’ve had up to today. Here’s what I’ve come up with.

You know how when parents have joint custody, the kid is suppose to spend half the time with one and half with the other? That never really stuck with me. I mean there were the ocassional times where I would go over to my dad’s house, but mostly, I stuck with my mom. Now that I’ve grown up, I think about it and I’m pretty sure that I’m angry at my father. He left my mom for some older chick. And I’ve always wanted to know what it was like to have a mother and father in a family; togehter. But he ruiend that hope and I don’t think I’ll ever get to have that experience. So that’s number 1.

Number 2. I’m angry at my step-mom. It’s not a regular relationship to say the least.
Let me start this part by saying I really do love her. She’s been in my life since as long as I can remember. So it’s not like she’s the evil step-mom. Remember that she and my dad have been together since I was two. She’s had him for a VERY F***ING LONG TIME. My parents were from Hong Kong. They didn’t have that much of an education, my dad had more of one than my mom. So my dad is the one my mom goes to to look over important documents, like insurance, government stuff, things for me and things of that nature, which means the two have to get in contact. This is the thing that probably makes me extremely frustrated. My step-mom thinks that my mom wants to get back with my dad. YOU’VE ALREADY WON, LADY!! You’ve been with him FOREVER and my mom already says she doesn’t like being tied down to a man. And I’m pretty sure he left my mom for you, so why you think he would want to get back with her is SUCH a mystery to me. I don’t understand what the harm is in just trying to figure out what a letter says!

Number 3. I’m frustrated with my mom. She complains often, and I just can’t stand it sometimes. So today, she says, “Your dad won’t help me with this insurance stuff. He says he’s made a promise…” I tuned everything out after that. It just makes me more mad at my dad for just sort of ditching my mom. Thats one of the things that gets me the most. I have the most epmhathy for her though… I love her. And I’m sorry that she has to go through this.

Sometimes I wish I weren’t born so my mom didn’t have to go through this. And there wouldn’t be this social akwardness, I guess. I’m like the link between the two. And without me, they could live without each other.

I just don’t know anymore.
And since that letter they sent me, and after me thinking about all of this, it just makes it more awkward. I hate it.

School is lame. Life is lame. Too many decisions. Too many activities.
Should I drop Chem for Botany and Animal Development? Should I do tennis AND golf? Should I just do tennis? Can I just manage the golf team? What exactly will APUSH and ALAC bring? Did I take too many hard classes? What have I set myself up for? 
I’m too scared to find out. Junior year is going to blow, I can already tell. Good thing I have people to talk it out with. What on earth would I do without them?! And thank goodness for this blog when I am in desperate need.
Here’s the low down on just several situations/problems:
1) The whole “JAM” situation.You-know-who plays the lovely sport of golf and was rather fantastic last year taking the number one spot at our school. You-know-who, the girl, is probably goingto do golf this year BECAUSE of you-know-who, the guy. The guy SAYS he’s suppose to help out with the team this year (so the girl told me). I’m tired of her dangling him in front of my face. Whether it’s on facebook, over text, or her going shopping with her other friends, I am f-ing tired of it all. It hurts and I’m not sure how she cannot possibly think it doesn’t. So yes, I am jealous. And I do NOT want her on that team. That brings me to number 2.
2) To tennis or to golf? Tennis is pretty much my thing; anyone could tell you that. Golf is something I just sort of picked up this summer. Of course it was motivated by a certain someone; I really do LOVE it BUT by no means am I good at it. They say I could do both and that’s what I would probably do since there is NO WAY on this earth that I would leave tennis, especially since the season has already started, that just would be rude. I think I could do it… but talk about the stress!! Could I manage it? I’ve got SO many things going; with practice and just the hard classes alone are going tobe killer. That’s why I thought of managing the team. That way, I can still “golf” and sort of be there with the you-know-who’s AND be an active member of the tennis team. That’s a great day for everyone.
3) The hard classes and junior year.Their names? American Literature and Composition, AP-US History, and Pre-AP Chemistry. Oh man. I’ve asked seniors how hard some of these classes were and I am truly scared. The class that I’ve considered droppingis the Chem class. I love Mooney but is it worth all the BLAH!? Plus, I can be a lazy person, and you’ve got homework every night in that class!! And science isn’t much of my thing. I’ve considered dropping it for Botany and Animal Development. Botany, I hear, is a “coloring” class AND is weighted. Animal Devel is taught by Heide, possibly one of the coolest teachers but yet is extremely unorganized and forgets things sometimes. I’ve heard it’s an easy class AND it’s weighted also, I believe.
THE CONCLUSION.
For part one, I’m still not sure what to do there. I’m still waiting for those feelings to pass. Although I really do want to stay in touch and be friends with the guy. I was even considering asking him to go to the receptionportion of my cousin’s wedding, which is in approx. a month. For part two, I am definitely sticking with tennis. I would LOVE for the chance to play ONE tournyor at LEAST manage the girls golf team… even managing the boy’s team would be great, maybe even both seasons. I could care less if I was on JV. Just being on the team get to see him and to watch the “competition”. For part three, as much as I’d love to drop it, I have a feeling I’m sticking with chemistry.
I like how most of these problems intertwine with each other… high school… UGH. Luh-aaaame.

Today at practice, Coach mentioned Andy Roddick.
Something about the difference between us and the pros is that they can take a few more rallies than us.. or somethin’ like that. She was like, “Blah blah blah.. the Pros; Andy Roddick… Blah blah blah.” Hahahaha!!

Now that I get an inside look on what he’s doing, not like I ACTUALLY want to, NOT a stalker, it’s a side I don’t usually see. I’ve seen one thing: He’s a mamma’s boy. Awwww.

The summer is coming to an end. It’s gone by so fast and I’m pretty sure I don’t want to go back to school. This summer has been defiantly one to remember.
I’ve gone to the park to draw on the sidewalks with sidewalk chalk countless times and to swing on the swings. And to take pictures. I love the park, especially on days where it’s not a million degrees outside with a low humidty.
At GCB I meant new friends. At GCB I went to my first opera, which was amazing. At GCB I played the hard version of “The Moldau” and shifted way past 3rd position. At GCB I sang in a choir and actually liked it. During GCB, I saw my favorite musical; “The Sound of Music” at the theatre restaurant. At the GCB showcase, someone showed up. He crossed his heart and promised to show up and he did.
This summer was the first time I hit a golf ball. I also had my first golf lesson. The man just got off work, wearing his green shirt, grayish slacks, and wearing his watch, he said, “Let’s fix your grip first. Make a doggie, then a gun. Doggie eats gun.” I talked to my freshman health teacher that night at the range too and she asked about the man who was giving Sara and I the golf lesson. (Miss you Crowell ) We keep going back to the range in hopes to go out for the golf team. Well Sara is anyway. I would love to do both tennis and golf, but do you think it’s possible?
I hung out with the tennis ASF girls before they left for their home countries again. Chuck E Cheese’s is great for that type of stuff. lol. (Miss you girls!)
Most of my Tuesdays have been filled with Gardening Club. Yes, I am a member of the Gardening Club. Weeding is no fun, especially in the hot summer heat. But I will say that it is great fun getting to see seeds you planted grow in to carrots, corn, and tomatoes.
I even had a little reunion with friends I haven’t seen in at least 3 years. The Wongs I surely do miss. It had been three years and they’re still nice as ever.
Tennis camp was NOT as killer as it has been in the past. First day of camp, several of us were wondering why we didn’t have to run a warm up lap!! SURPRISE!
Summer has most defiantly been one of procrastination. I hope it’s not a preview of the school year. I’m currently working on my 2 book for American Literature and Composition. And i have exactly a week to read it, and do 25 dialectal journals. FANTASTIC!! Ugh. 
The other day, I had training for the 2020 Leadership Program. I can tell that it has already had an impact on me and I can’t wait for the next year in the program. Today and last Saturday, I had training for the Link Crew. I am sort of excited for this but not for the fact that I have to be in a Focus class full of freshmen AND that I am no longer in my regular Focus class. I miss the people in there already.
So I have been looking for a job. Bad idea to do it during the summer. But maybe I wasn’t as persistent as I should be. I would do just about anything for a job right now, although I have a pretty hectic schedule ahead of me. I hear junior year is not the finest.
And of course, I can’t leave this out, although I’ve already mentioned it a couple of times. The boy. I SWEAR if I could, I would stop liking him. The other day, I told Trish, this. I even said, “AND HIS EYES!!! UGH!!” Have you seen them? But seriously, I would stop if I could. Lately, people who I haven’t seen in a while have use the word “obsessed“. I guess you could classify it as that, but I would rather it not be. So I hope that I can dial it down a bit. My bestie, Emily, told me yesterday, “If you love, you’ll let go.” I don’t think I love him exactly, just like a whole lot. Maybe that’s why I’ve got this problem in the first place. I’ve gotten past the fact that I won’t be “his” but all I want is just to be able to talk to him without feeling akward; to be FRIENDS. Just this topic alone has caused much drama… for me anyway. Jealousy has been potent in my life due to him and the situation that it sits in.
Other accomplishments this summer: driving to the airport and back, finishing Harry Potter #6 in about 3-4 weeks, not touching my violin for over a month after GCB (not really an accomplishment. ), and tricking Josh into calling the Rejection Hotline. That last one was rather hilarious, I must admit.
Tomorrow, I’ll celebrate my 17th birthday! Not sure what the day will bring. Going to pick up my bridesmaid dress up in NKC. Then I wanna do some more tax-free-shopping before I hopefully go eat dinner with my cousin.

More updates later! I be out yo!

As if my plate needed anything else needed to it, I just go another load. This is ridiculous.
I really do love you guys and I’m just saying this to rant. But if you guys want to be updated with the world, TRY EMAIL!! And I really truly am SORRY for bailing on you last minute for the vaca. You can believe it or not but I am seriously sincerely sorry. But to be completely honest, there was a part of me that wanted to go, and another part that didn’t. Then I realized with the Link Crew was meeting on a day that we would have been gone (today) and I wouldn’t have been able to be in it anymore because I missed it. This (Link Crew) IS apart of my education and I swear to God that education is pretty much my main priority. Yeah I might be lazy now, but I’m a teen, what do you expect? And it is summer. I know when the time to be and not. Violin and tennis are extra curricularactivities. If I don’t do well with school, I can be kicked out of them. I love them too much to just give up on them. And this year is going to be so hetic, with all of my weighted classes I’m taking and everything outside of school I’m doing. So education is defiantly a priority, and it hurts that you think otherwise. Moving on to texting.. It’s apart of the culture and I know that you guys probably don’t understand. I do like spending time with you, but I think it’s because of how I have been raised that I just sort of shy away, or text, when I’m around you. It’s not like I want to but I just feel that there’s a separation now because you guys weren’t always there, not like my mom was either. But I do love you guys and it hurts to know that you guys feel that way. I may not show it the way you think. It makes me feel like I’ve failed you as a child. I do think about you guys a lot and I do CARE and LOVE you guys too. I’m always thinking, “Maybe I should call..” but then I think that it would be weird. Again, back to the separation thing.
And sometimes it’s hard to tell you guys something because I feel like if I tell you what is actually wrong, give you the reason, or give you the actual excuse, it feels like the way you react in a way that says “Oh, I don’t believe you.” You may not say it out loud but the reaction you have is the same.
I’m sorry that you had to result to sending me a letter… the day before my birthday. Fantastic way to explain what you were feeling btw. Oh, and I’m not sure what you ment by the “giving up on learning Spanish..” but I took it in a bad way. Sorry if I’m wrong. I truly did not want to drop Spanish. If I had taken Spanish all throughout my high school career, I could have possibly tested out of Spanish classes in college, and thus saving money. But because I’m still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, I had to drop it and take a class that I felt I would benefit from in my decision making, which is Journalism I. And I know that you guys probably won’t read this, but when reading your letter, I even resulted in tears. It really does matter to me but I mean come on guys, a letter? Talk about “outdated”. It just baffles me.

Sincerely,
Megan

Do I want to?
HELL NO!!
Am I going to try?
Yes… but reluctantly…
Will it work?
I’m not sure. I kind of hope it doesn’t but I kind of hope it does.

I’ve spent too much time “sitting” around. It’s partly my fault for not saying something sooner. But now that I have and someone else has too, it’s just too much. She’s gotten the first text FROM him, and far more intresting convos through text. But if I keep truckin’ along, there’s that possible chance things will go the right way. Possible chance. I’ve tried to do this (trying to stop) many times before, all becoming non-successful (obviously). I’m not sure what’s going to happen. It sucks we can’t really decide who we do and don’t like. Gah. I’m just weighing my options.

well.
you said that it won’t come between us.
i’ve known this to be false,
the ENTIRE time.
because here i am,
that sinking feeling in my stomach,
that pressure in the heart.
i’ve said from the get-go
“only bad things can come of this”
and look at me, i’m jealous.
and nothing too special has even happend just yet.
i really wish we didn’t become friends like this.
if it ends how we would like it to end;
one of us, together with him,
i’ll bet you whatever you want,
that it won’t be the same between us.

Hum.
So after going to the Slavic Festival (fun filled 5 hours!! not.) for GCB, Sara and I decided that it’s time to go shopping again. DONT JUDGE ME!! :/ This time we brought Dustin who knows him fairly well. It was this time that we realized that we have been there too many times…. His co-worker saw us and was like “He’s up front he’ll be back in a little bit.” OMG.. lol. Well we talked for about an hour, found out his birthday is on Peru’s Independence Day, and even got a hug from him. The store closed and we left. In the parking lot someone, NOT ME, decides to leave a note on his window. “Megan scratched your car here —-> SORRY! To get back at us, meet us at Wal-Mart” (you see he got a new car, that was the “scratch”) or something to that extent. We leave and roam in wally world and he calls Sara. We meet him 5 mins later and we hung out for a good 20ish minutes. Seriously, that was probably the funnest time of my life. No joke. He bought $2.oo worth of ramen noodles and walked around with his tie around his head. This kid is crazy and I sometimes am not sure why I like him. Why must he be so different from all the other guys out there?